for the longest time i thought i wanted to get a psychology degree, but now im thinking i might want to do sociology instead because what i really care about is human behavior as it relates to inter/intra-personal relationships and society, not so much about the biology and brain chemistry behind it.
but if i stayed in school an extra year to get a third degree, id want to get a women’s studies minor while im at it because i actually really fucking care about feminism on an academic level, not just as a casual ‘oh yeah i id as a feminist bc of stuff i read on the internet’ way (not that that isn’t perfectly valid). but there’s a difference, y’know? i want to know what im talking about, and really be able to speak with confidence and authority on social issues and other things i think are important, the things i want to write novels and screenplays about
i just don’t know if that path is the right one. i don’t really want to be in school another year. on the other hand, who says im ready to truly step into my adult shoes and lose the training wheels on the balancing act that is learning how to be a functioning member of society while also retaining your sense of self and purpose. like maybe another year of college would be good for me but idk.
my friend clara was a super senior and i really looked up to her bc she seemed so well-adjusted and had the “know thyself” thing going on even though she wasn’t perfect and didn’t try to be.
i dunno what to do. this is a tough decision. part of me feels like it’d be worth it in the long term because it would up my chances/potential of doing what i want with my career…but it’s not like i really have that figured out yet either. i really enjoy being on set and the whole production process, but i don’t exactly see myself doing that for the rest of my life. i don’t really see myself as an editor or a producer or a boom operator…maybe a script supervisor, or something in production design if only i had more of an art background, maaaybe a director at some point (mostly bc i feel like id be too possessive of my scripts and would want to just direct them to ensure complete control lol).
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh i just want to write. that’s all ive ever wanted. but you can’t always pay the bills with prose.
i feel like adding another major and a minor would be like adding colors to the horizon that is my future worldview/ability to create. right now i can only see the world in so many colors, but with that added knowledge, some things would become more sharpened, more vibrant. i like the idea of better focus, of clarity, of living in technicolor. but at the same time, it sort of feels like im just trying to hide, holding on the security blanket that is the somewhat safer sphere of college and the routine ive built the last three years. and i don’t want to act out of fear, as much as i can help it anyway. i do and don’t do a lot of things in life because im afraid of so many things, and sometimes it’s hard to distinguish where my choices are really being driven from, not just what it seems to be on the surface.
i should probably just talk to a therapist about all this, but i don’t exactly have the money for that. my student loans will be coming in and i could definitely use some of that to fund some sessions with a counselor or whoever, but sliding fees add up so idk. i wish i had a job. then id feel less guilty about money in general. part of the reason staying in school is not the best idea is because it just means more debt after the fact and im already going to be in quite a lot of it by the end of this year…
ugh okay im just going to step away from this and go to sleep and think about it some more tomorrow and i guess talk with my mom and maybe dad since since i should call him for an update on the car anyway. blehhhhh this is so hard im so bad at decision making